Friday, October 14, 2005

Instant Authority

My current favorite item in my possesion is my University of Maryland name badge. That little sucker is solid gold. With it you can instantly go from broke, clueless college student to professional, in-the-know college representative. It's incredible. Observe me in action at the chapel, badgeless and badgeful: (This situation may or may not have actually happened)

Badgeless Taylor: Excuse me, ma'am? I'm afraid we don't allow wax candles on the alter without holders because of firecode.
Offending Mother of Bride: You don't what now?
Badgeless Taylor: We don't allow wax candles. They are a fire hazard.
OMB: (Looks Badgeless Taylor up and down) Well, I'll do whatever I want to do. Z-snap!
Badgeless Taylor: I really need you to at least have holders for those, and then I can approve them.
OMB: Well, I don't have holders and you can just buzz the heck off!

Enter BadgeFUL Taylor: Excuse me, ma'am? I'm afraid we don't allow wax candles on the alter because of firecode.
OMB: You don't what now?
Badgeful Taylor: We don't allow wax candles. They are a fire hazard.
OMB: (Looks at Badgeful Taylor's very professional looking University of Maryland name badge.) Oh, thank you for informing me Miss Taylor Atkinson. I will either put these dangerous wax candles away and use your lovely university-provided oil candles or I will find some candle holders immediately.
Badgeful Taylor: Why, thank you very much.
OMB: No, thank YOU Miss Taylor Atkinson. You are a most excellent and well-informed event manager. It is a good think they have very prossional young ladies such as yourself here to enforce rules and make the Memorial Chapel at the University of Maryland a safe and happy place for all.

See? Instant Authority. It's amazing. I wish that I had a name badge for everything I do. For example, if I had a Young Life name badge, instead of kids not ever listening to me, I imagine Young Life club would go something like this:
Me, with badge: Hey guys, would you mind quieting down so we can hear what Mike has to say?
Kids: (Eye name badge with amazement.) SILENCE.

Or what if I had a name badge while riding my horse, Moose? Here's what usually goes down when I ride him:
Me: Riding along merrily.
Moose: Starts cantering much faster and is obviously considering what a joy it would be to take off at a gallop with some very exuberant bucks.
Me: Pulls gently on reins to ask Moose to please stop thinking such aforementioned thoughts.
Moose: Says, HECK NO, bites down on bit with teeth, and proceeds to run away bucking.
-Enter the name badge-
Moose: Gasp! Such strength and authoritativeness! HALT.

Better yet, what if I had a name badge at home, when our evil kitten Marie Antoinette was wrecking her lastest havoc?
Marie: (Stalking Taylor's leg with evil look, claws and teeth bared.)
Me: Takes off name badge and chucks at Marie Antoinette's face.
Marie: Runs away!
Taylor's leg: Spared!!!

I'm so making this happen.


  1. Or maybe this...

    Badgeful Anna: Excuse me sir, we can't have you prancing around the altar holding wax tapers. It is actually impossible to remove wax from carpets.

    Sneaky Groom: But you approved a unity candle. This is totally a type of unity candle. Sorry for not mentioning this breach of contract last night when we were discussing happens.

    Badgeful Anna: We approved a unity candle ensemble that stays on the altar at all times. It's right here in the rules that you've agreed to, both in the brochure and on the website. Running around the carpet with a drippy candle, believe it or not, does not count as staying on the altar. But here, you can still use your beloved candles if you put them in this holder that I will provide for you at no extra cost.

    Sneaky Groom: Um, how bout you look like you're 14 so I don't have to listen to anything you say? We're using the candles anyway. And if it drips, then we'll talk about cost. Man, I am suuuch a smooth talker.

    Badgeful Anna: Well sir, if that's the risk you are willing to take by breaking our rules, then I guess we'll ju-....CHARGED 100 DOLLARRRRS!!!!

  2. Now I'm thinking in my head, "What if these people try to sue us for charging them money, and someone finds this website and then when I have to go to court and defend my actions, and this comment has to be used as evidence?" That would be so embarrassing.


I love hearing from my readers! Thank you for taking the time to comment. All comments are reviewed before publishing.