Thursday, December 02, 2010


Today I spent three hours at the eye doctor.  Yay!  Therefore, so did the baby.  Double yay!

No one should ever have to spend three hours at the eye doctor.  However, I belong to the eye cult known as "America's Best," the eye care choice for those lacking in expendable income/decent health coverage/ability to say no to what seems like a good deal.  Those suckers tried to change my contacts because they don't carry the contacts I got from my old eye doctor, and now my eyes are having an allergic reaction turning into sandpaper made of tiny bits of glass because of the new ones.  I am in a weird psychological battle of sorts with them trying to get my contacts prescription so I can go get my contacts elsewhere.  They even tried to tell me my contacts are discontinued.  I called their bluff by calling another eye place and they told me otherwise.  It's seriously the weirdest thing ever.

I got there for my 11 am appointment and waited an hour and a half before the doctor even saw me.  Meanwhile, my precious babe became ravenously starving and wigged out.  Because I was supposed to be next, I was trying to just quiet her, but to no avail.  Finally, the awkward older lady next to me, with her even more awkward 20-something daughter (she was wearing a trench coat, you know, in not a cute way) says, "Oh, is she hungry?  You don't have a bottle?  You should have a bottle."

Already people who try to boss me about my baby irritate me.  I wanted to go all "You don't know my life!" on her like Amy P. in Baby Mama.  Or, I should have said, "Bottle?  Why do I need a bottle when I have a perfectly good boob right here?"  Which is kind of what I did say.  Anyway, I ended up nursing the baby under a blanket and chatting with the awkward lady, who told me that when her milk supply started to drop, she drank beer to build it back up.  Then she said she stopped nursing her daughter at 6 months so she wouldn't become a drunk.

Got it.

Then the doctor called me in, but Awkward Lady complained they had been waiting longer.  Thanks, lady.  So, 30 more minutes later, I get called in by the doctor, also known as Theguywhotellsyouwayyyyyyytoomanydetails.  I could hardly get a word in edgewise, which is saying a lot, because all I wanted to say was, "My eyes burn and itch and sting.  Air feels like gasoline to them."  Instead, I heard all about his dogs and how he knew the guy who played the original Fonzy from Happy Days and how they lived in the Bronx and the Fonz was like 5 foot 7 and beat up everyone on the block.

Got it.

Then he randomly says, "You look like Kevin Bacon.  You must be Irish."

Why, how did you know?

Next, I heard the unquestionable sound that can only mean one thing:  diaper blowout.  I spent the next 30 minutes laying my baby on a changing mat on the cleanest part of the bathroom floor I could find while I cleaned her off, changed her clothes, and cleaned the car seat, then put her back into the car seat and recleaned everything because it had touched the bathroom floor. When I opened the bathroom door, baby seat in one hand and poopy clothes in the other, the doctor was standing by the door, ready to tell me (again) that they don't carry my contacts.  Uh, oh, hey?  Might this information be more appropriately served at like, the front desk?  You know, rather than next to the bathroom door? 

Just so you know, my eyes still itch.

And just for the record, my only reference point for Kevin Bacon is the movie Tremors

You know what, Kevin Bacon?  Our similarities stop at our apparently dashingly good looks.  You might be able to keep your cool while pulverizing a giant mutant blood-thirsty worm, but can you keep your cool when your 11-week old poops on everything she's touching?  I didn't think so.

And, that, my friends, is a day in the life of a stay-at-home-mom. 
"Tremors" image via Google Images


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  2. The past three years I have been going to Wal-mart for my eye exams and for my prescription contacts. I have had nothing but great experiences with them. They are quick but thorough and I never had to wait long. They have also automatically given me my prescription so I could get my glasses and contacts elsewhere if I wanted to do so. I was able to get my Acuvue Oasys lenses from them. This is just suggestion if you're looking for an easy alternative place.
    Good luck! Sarah Joy


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