Monday, November 15, 2010

The Moment

There are many parts of my personality that are juxtaposed.  For example, I'm pretty spontaneous, but I hate change.   I have a tendency toward anxiety, but I'm pretty go-with-the-flow.  (Which is probably why our baby is not any kind of schedule!)  I love things to be orderly, neat and clean, but you'd never know it sometimes at my house or if you look inside my car or purse ever.  I'm obsessive over completing a task once it's started, but I procrastinate like crazy.  I have a tendency to constantly anticipate the next moment, yet usually try to suck every bit of life out of the moment I'm in.

How is all of this possible?  I'm pretty confusing.  Sometimes I feel pretty bad for the guy that married me.

Today I'm cleaning.  (Kind of.  I'm also cuddling/snuggling/playing/etc.) As I look around my house at the things I'm putting away, I keep noticing all of the major changes in our lives.  There are tiny pink shoes with pink, frilly laces on my dresser top.  There are tiny socks in the dryer next to the huge ones.  There is a car seat next to my front door and a diaper bag has replaced my purse.

I love these changes.  Every one of them.  The first time I saw all of those little clothes mixed in with ours in the clean laundry I think I squealed in delight.  And yet, things keep changing.  She's getting close to doubling her birth weight.  One day, I'm going to open my dryer to fold the clean clothes and I'll pull out a training bra and I'll probably cry.

One of the houses on the street before ours has already put up their Christmas lights, but the house next door still has up their Halloween decorations.  I actually avert my eyes as I drive by the Christmas house while chanting, "It's not Christmas yet.  It's not Christmas yet."  I love and adore fall and I'm savoring the last bits of golds and reds so beautiful they take my breath away.  But you know what?  In a way, I almost missed fall because I was so busy hanging on to summer, to the long, hot days and the trips to the beach, to the heavy, sweet air and the fresh summer vegetables.

I think it's a good thing that I so enjoy each moment, but I need to keep working at getting it right.  (Example:  I burst into tears in my parents' kitchen the day before my wedding crying,"I just want everyone to STOP and enjoy this day!)  Just as there is joy and delight in each new season of the year,  I want to cherish each season of our baby's life and joyfully embrace her changes.  She's smiling constantly now; can I even explain how delightful that is?  I mourn moving on from those skinny, tiny little newborn legs, but the rolls of baby fat they're beginning to have are about the cutest things on the planet.  I want to remember the moments we've passed and love every one of them, but I can't get stuck on them or I'll miss too much of the next.  There's too much good to come, just like when Christmas lights go up in place of pumpkins.      

But not quite yet...we still have to savor Thanksgiving.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous9:19 PM

    I love your juxtapositioned you. :) W is blessed to have you as her mama.


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