Waiting for Hindsight

When I was in high school and started not only driving my car, but also driving the rig with my horses, one of my greatest fears was having the trailer come disconnected while I was driving.  I'd heard the horror stories of breakdowns on 270, horses flipping out and destroying legs or getting loose on a highway.  Every time I drove my F250 with the trailer and a horse or two, this was always in the back of my mind.

One day, I drove my horse to another barn to pick up an aquaintence and her horse for a day of cubbing. (Cubbing is early-season fox hunting.  It's basically a few weeks of practice rounds for the hounds, horses and riders.  The terminology is terrible; I promise that we don't catch fox cubs.  Actually the hounds rarely catch anything, and if they do, something is wrong with the fox.)  We enjoyed the day out, then loaded up to head home.  We rode out from the kennels, which were only a few miles from home, so we weren't far.  We started to drive home, chattering away, and oddly enough one of our discussions was about a friend whose trailer had disconnected on a recent trip to a show.  We were on a back road, going about 40 MPH, when we suddenly felt a huge jolt.  The horses had been messing around with each other, so at first I thought one had just nipped the other and one of them had kicked.  Then the entire truck lurched backward and my stomach felt like it fell to floor of the cab.  All I could think was, "My trailer is unhooked." 

It's funny how in a moment like that you'd expect to totally panic.  But just as I felt the emergency chains engage, so did my brain.  I let off the gas and let the truck almost coast, barely touching the brakes.  The trailer hit the back of the truck and stuck as the hitch wrenched through the aluminum of the trailer.  We slowly came to a stop, thankfully at the top of a hill, and amazingly, right in front of the farm of a friend. The horses were completely unhurt, and we were able to unload them and put them in the paddock of the friend until help came.   

It turned out that the hitch had completely malfunctioned.  The trailer people replaced it.  They said I hadn't done anything wrong and couldn't have avoided it any way; I even always had someone else check the hitch before I drove anywhere, because of my disconnection fear.

What amazed me was the incredible provision in a situation that could have been way, way worse.  I was the only rig on a back country road, going fairly slowly, only a few miles from home.  We unhitched in front of a friend's house.  I was so thankful that though I had to face one of my greatest fears, I was provided for completely.

After the Haiti earthquake, I lost many an hour of sleep wondering what I would do in a situation like that.  I wondered if we'd be able to escape our home.  I wondered what it would be like to lose everything.  I wondered about the unknowns, how it would feel not to know if my family and friends were safe or how to get water and food. 

On Friday morning, an earthquake hit our hometown.  It was tiny (only 3.6) but the epicenter was very close to our home.  We weren't even around at the time; we were at the beach.  Nothing in our house was out of order or out of place.  Yet it shocks me to think how few points on the Richter scale separated us from being able to go about our daily lives as if nothing happened and utter devastation.  Again, a fear faced, with a really incredible outcome.

 (We had no idea there was an earthquake at home!)

I feel like taking notice of situations like these from my past helps me remember how much God has provided and cared for us in our lives.  We are in the midst of a lot of fear right now.  We are both unemployed and our baby is due in about 11 weeks.  Our health benefits expire August 30th, at which point we can (thankfully) opt for COBRA, but to the tune of over $750 a month.  The fear of no money has actually plagued me for a lot my life as well.  I can remember being four or five and knowing that my mom wasn't eating something so that my sister and I could eat.  I remember seeing her try to hide her tears because there was no money.  I remember my dad being so tired and working so hard to provide.  It's amazing, really, to think that my parents once went through that, because apart from those few early years, we grew up in an affluent home.  Yet my parents sometimes called me "Little Scrooge" because I continued to count and recount my allowance pennies out of a little box in my desk drawer practically until the day I left for college.  Well, ok, until I opened my first account with Bank of America.

It's another fear I'm being forced to face, and I'm reminded that God will show up.  I know that years down the road I'll pull my (big) babies around me and talk about the days when we didn't know what was coming next.  My kids will be newlyweds and they'll complain about their situations and my husband and I will nod knowingly and say, "You think that's bad?  Back before you were born..." just like my parents are saying to us.  But time and time again, God has provided.  These three years of marriage working for a nonprofit organization we've often not gotten full paychecks, but month after month our needs, and usually even our little wants (like sushi for dinner!) were met.

So I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm going to choose to trust that this is all going to be really, really funny a few years from now, and I'm reminded that I'm still sitting in an air-conditioned house with a full fridge and a bed full of pillows and warm showers and (yay!) internet.  I think this is showing us that Love really is all we need.

 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"  Matthew 6:25-26    

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