Friday, December 20, 2013

One Month

Well...ahem...6 weeks.  Really more like 6.5.  Or seven and two days, if you're going by the day of the week you were born.  Oof.

My dear, sweet Wild-man,

I've put off writing this first-month letter to you because I knew I wouldn't know where to begin.  All of the thoughts and feelings of my mother-heart sound trite when I start with, "I can't believe you are already a month old."  But it's true; I can't believe it.  All those months of carrying you under my heart were hard.  I loved them because I love you, but they were very, very hard.  I don't even remember large chunks of them because all I see a bleary, nausea-centered world of exhaustion and wanting so desperately to hold you over my heart.

This letter is also late because your sister consumes a lot of my attention and keeps our lives very fun and busy.  But when she rests, all I want to do is hold you.  Just you.  Just you and me in the quiet of the afternoon.  Sometimes we all rest together (which I love), sometimes I have to get things done, but mostly I just want to hold you and marvel at you in the quiet stillness.  I love the way you fold up your hands under your chin and I love your long alien-toes that look just like Daddy's.  I love the way you sigh little z's in your sleep.  I love the way you make little white-knuckled fists when you nurse and how lately you pull in your chin and pout your lower lip when you're mad.  I love your lips.

You are the very dearest baby.  I know I said that about your sister, and she absolutely was too.  I don't know why I am blessed with just quiet, sweet, easy babies but it sure does make it easy to love you completely.  All you want to do, day and night and in-between, is snuggle.  You want your heart right on my heart and you want to be warm and you want to sleep, then eat, then sleep some more.

You only get upset if you're hungry or chilly.  The chilly part happens at diaper changes, and mostly you are pretty unimpressed with those, mostly because of the chilly part but also because I've accidentally let you pee on your own little face a couple of times.  I'm sorry about that.  Changing a baby boy's diaper is a lot more complicated than a baby girl's.  When you do get upset, your little cries are so fully of fury and indignation but I can't help but love them.  You have this gruff baby voice already and you sound like a funny baby goat and I'm sad you're sad but I can't help but laugh.  I'm also sorry about that.

When you are awake you spend most of your time listening to your sister be loud and being extremely patient while she jostles you around and tries to love you but mostly almost kicks you or tries to accidentally step on you while showing you a dance move or something else.  You are already smiling; you starting intentionally smiling at 3.5 weeks and smiled first for Nana.  Even before that you were sleep-smiling constantly and smiled all the time at your favorite song.  Your very first smiles were so funny.  You would open your mouth like a little fish (I think trying to talk back at whoever was cooing at you) and crinkle up the side of your nose and upper lip.  It was so funny and you tried so hard.  You're getting better at it every day and smile all the time, mostly at Daddy or at Wavy and me when we both just lean over and coo at you and kiss you and treat you like a perfect prince.  You don't mind that one bit!  I know it sounds crazy but I swear you are already trying to say "hi."  I'm always leaning over you and kissing your nose and saying, "Hi!" and sometimes when you smile back you say, "Howwww!"

I am so glad you are here with us and a part of our sweet family.  You've made this scary transition to mama-of-two so easy and happy for me and I will cherish these days in my heart all my life.  I didn't know if I could love a boy baby as much as I loved my girl baby and I was crazy.  I'm so over the moon for you, so jealous for you, so glad that you are mine.  I never really understood before quite what it meant to say that God is a jealous God, but oh, now I get it.  I means that he wants us to be all his and my mother-heart gets it in a brand-new way and my greatest desire for you and your life is that you will understand that, too.

This family loves you so much, sweet boy, and the most incredible part is that all of this love that you are showered with so unabashedly is only a shadow of God's love for you.  He is jealous for you;  he loves you, oh how he loves you.

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