Fighting Pollution is Way Easier, Planeteers

I made several bad decisions yesterday, and I blame them all on pregnancy.  One was related to being overly sensitive, one to forgetfulness and the last to cravings.  They were also all connected like Dominoes.  The over-sensitivity led to feeling deeply hurt, which made me leave my house in a state of distracted absentmindedness, which made me not think carefully about the set of keys I had, which led to being locked out of my house at dinner-time, which led to a Chick-fil-a meal consisting of fries and a milkshake.

Then, after a wonderful impromptu evening celebrating the engagement of two awesome friends, the powers of excitement, way too much sugar, several hurtful situations, anxiety and hormones combined to turn this already-prone-to-anxiety-attacks pregnant person into a sleepless mess about one step away from a nervous breakdown. 

Excitement!  Sugar!  Hurt!  Fear! HORMONES!

(For some reason, I always think of Captain Planet when I think of the term "powers combined.")

The fact of the matter is, this has been a tough summer.  Hubby is still jobless.  I'm so proud of him for his tenacity and the way he has poured himself into so many projects around our house while spending hours upon countless hours job hunting AND maintaining a 4.0 grad school GPA.  We are incredibly thankful for our savings (seriously, if you do nothing else wise in life, have that 3-month savings safety net!) because we're still doing ok, but it's a constant source of anxiety.  I've spent most of the summer trying to avoid thinking about it all, and praying about it constantly, but sometimes those forces combine, anxiety rears its ugly head and I'm left feeling like I might implode.

I fought anxiety attacks as a child and thought I'd outgrown them around the age of ten.  Then, one awful night my senior year in college, while I was still recovering from mono and had been having a rough semester, my computer crashed in the midst of a big assignment.  It was all over.  I honestly felt as if the whole world had collapsed.  I called my parents in the middle of the night sobbing so hard I could hardly speak or breathe.  My poor parents. 

Since then, I've had these little meltdowns a couple of times a year.  One was when Lenny got a speeding ticket.  Another was when the insurance company denied a claim.  Crazy, huh?  It doesn't happen often, but when it does, sheesh.  I've gotten better recently at feeling these weird times come on and can now usually fend them off successfully.  (Like tonight, thank goodness!)  But when the emotions subside and things are better, I always step back and evaluate. 

What exactly is it that I'm so afraid of?  Because it's not ending sentences with prepositions.

See, those silly instances with the speeding ticket and the insurance claim had nothing to do with driving fast or being on hold for 1.5 million hours.  They had to do with money.  What was I afraid of?  Not having money.  But what was I really afraid of?  That takes a lot more though.  Because, honestly, in the grand scheme of life, what's a few hundred dollars?  Why is the lack of money so scary? 

There are a lot of reasons, but I'll just delve into one.  Money, to most of us, represents security.  To newlyweds on their own for the first time (we'd only been married a couple of months when the speeding ticket happened) security is a big deal.  You've broken off from your parents and you're to lean on each other.  No money feels like no security, and that's scary.  Feelings of vulnerability set in and it's all over from there.

So, tonight, since I can't sleep, and I fairly successfully fought off a panic attack, I'm asking myself my same thing.

What am I so afraid of?

1.  No money.  See above, plus add two months of NO paychecks and baby on the way.  Vulnerable?  Yes.

2.  Poor health.  Life with an auto-immune disorder can be complicated.  I get colds and flus way more frequently that others, combined with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia,  What if I don't care for my baby well because of these?  Is my health going to be better or worse now that I'll be home a lot more?  What if the baby has Celiac Disease, too?

3.  Change, although that's not quite the right way to explain it.  I am beyond thrilled and filled with excited anticipation for the arrival of this new baby girl.  I've wanted to be a mom my entire life and it's a dream come true.  I feel like I'm meant for this, made for this.  Ready for this.  Honestly, this tiny little girl is the only part of our lives right now that feels completely peaceful and joyful.  So I think what it really boils down to is fear of the unknown.  How is our marriage going to change?  How will we function on no sleep?  How will the house stay clean?  How am I going to change?  Who is going to stand behind me?  How are my friendships going to change?  Which leads me to the last one, the biggest one...

4.  Losing my friends.  In some ways, this has been the loneliest season of my life.  That is largely my fault.  We've been away a lot recently, but I've also avoided spending time with friends because A.  I was sick for so long and B. The job/financial anxiety has exhausted me mentally and emotionally.  My job stresses and the constantly puking in the spring left me with, well, nothing left.  Then summer started and the stresses with hubby's job took over. 

We've been blessed by incredible friends.  We've also been blessed that many of our nears and dears didn't move far after college, but we still live a good ways away from a lot of great people.  I've lived with around 15 girls over the college and post-college years, and have remained friends with all of them.  Two-thirds still live within an hour of our house, but an hour is still an hour and it's tough.  We also have had some unique pressures on our time (marriage, a fixer-upper house, family situations, youth ministry and now a baby) that many of our other friends don't have yet.  This has been really hard, because I always feel like no matter how much I want to be around my friends, I'm never doing enough for them, I'm never there enough, I'm never available enough, I'm never enough.  I've  been told this to my face.  If I haven't been able to handle that without a baby, how on earth are my friends going to think of me when I do have a baby?  Like I don't care?  Like I'm not there enough for them?  How do I convince them otherwise, but still help them understand that my baby, my family, has to come first no matter what?  How do I maintain these relationships and give all of these wonderful people the attention they deserve?  I'm going to be a stay-at-home-mom for awhile.  I don't know many of those.  I'm afraid of the loneliness, the judgement, the misunderstanding.  If it's already happening now, if we're already being left out or forgotten, how on earth do I keep control of it with a newborn?

I obviously don't have the answers to any of these questions.  I don't know what to do with them except to hand them over to God and ask Him to meet these needs, teach me to prioritize, show me how to love others in that effective, Christ-like way that I just can't seem to get right.  Because after all, that's all that life is about.  Loving God by loving others. 

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."  John 15:12-13

I completely know that all of these questions and fears are a normal, regular part of the third trimester, but mommy friends, I need your help!  Did you have any of these fears?  What did you do about them?  Recognizing them is the first step, and I'm glad I've written all of this out.  Also, I'm excited to be able to look back at this in a few months and see how it all turned out.  I think it's going to be way better than anything I could ask or imagine.  (Ephesians 3:20) 

But in the meantime...advise me!

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