Tough Week

*UPDATE*
I'm already feeling better after a really helpful phone call from a wonderful person I work with who fixed some things, because she is amazing like that. I'm still struggling though with some things though.

How I Thought Resigning Would Go

Me: Hello, I just wanted to let you know that after a lot of prayer, consideration and sleepless nights, my husband and I have decided that I will not be returning next year. Thank you for the offer, though. Here is the contract back.
Person Being Informed: Oh, I am sorry to hear that. May I ask why?
Me: Sure. (Elaborate with the memorized list of thoughtful and well-worded reasons.)
Person Being Informed: Well, thank you for considering. We have appreciated your work here. I'm sure the students will miss you.
Me: Thank you.
Person Being Informed: (Explains the leaving process, explaining what to do next.)
Me: Great, thank you. Have a good day.
Person Being Informed: You too, goodbye.

That what I expected; something quick, courteous, and professional, keeping good feelings in tact. I've learned that I have a major problem in life with expectations vs. reality. First of all, I always expect the best of people in terms of tact, kindness and social grace, and I tend toward a lot of optimism. Most of the time I think this is really helpful because I try really hard to assume that the person didn't mean to be hurtful. I also usually play out conversations in my head for uncomfortable situations, like the one I wrote out above. I probably played that conversation over in my head 15234 times before my meeting.

Here's how it really went:

Not like that.


It was just awkward and I left feeling hurt over the lack of words as well as something said that wasn't worded well, although I know it wasn't meant that way. I'm hurting over some elements of this, and I'm also hurt by the lack of appreciation.

I just don't really know how to deal with these emotions. Apart from the joy of expecting our baby, this has been a tremendously stressful season of our lives with a lot of unknowns. We're now both unemployed as of the end of June. There has been a lot of hard stuff at both of our jobs. I've actually been glad to be pregnant in the midst of so much instability because it has centered me and made me feel like nothing else really matters except this baby.

It's just that wanted to leave this season of my life with a sense of joy and readiness for the next chapter. Sure, I expected a little sadness because I'm at the end of an era (for now?), and I love some elements of teaching and I'll miss it. But I've always wanted to be a mom and I'm so thrilled about a new stage of life. While I am completely at peace with this decision, there is also an extra level of hurt and sadness from the past few months that I wasn't expecting and that I'm afraid is turning into bitterness.

Tomorrow is our kids' last day. I don't know how I feel about that right now. I think I need a good cry and some added grace and then I'll be fine.

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